Friends: Joey/Chandler Slash fic

[ankh]

Title: The One With the Indecent Proposal
Author Ankh
Fandom: Friends
Pairing: Joey/Chandler slash. Rachel and Phoebe friendship.
Rating: PG-13
Date: Sept 98
Summary: Talk of Joey's big role and the movie Indecent Proposal leads to Rachel asking the question 'How much would it take?'
Note: appeared in the multi-fandom zine Alter Egos 3 under another pen name.


There are certain truisims that are universal, things that are taken as a given, regardless of religion, nationality, or indeed planet. One billion light years away other life forms are up and running when they hear the words 'trust me'. But perhaps the truism that best typifies human twenty-something behaviour is this: when someone makes fruit punch, someone else will add alcohol.

And someone after that.

This says a lot more about people than tool-making abilities and opposable thumbs.

The idea of celebrating Joey's addition to the Rainbow Chasers cast had been put forward by Chandler, and suggestions had ranged from a meal and drinks at an expensive restaurant to a meal and drinks at Monica's place (neither originality nor the spirit of adventure being one of the group's strong points).

The punch had started out innocuous enough - after all, Monica was making it. Knowing his sister, Ross had come prepared and had added his alcohol contribution when her back was turned. Both Joey and Chandler just had to add their bit.

Consequently, Monica was passed out in her room and Ross had been poured into a cab singing the theme from The Beverly Hillbillies. Phoebe was sitting upright, asleep, on the sofa with a sleepy Rachel's head propped against her shoulder. Joey was looking remarkably alert, sitting on the sofa opposite the two women. Next to him, Chandler lay full length on the sofa, his head in Joey's lap.

Rachel fought the need to close her eyes, horribly convinced that she would wind up snoring or drooling in her sleep. She moved her head to a slightly more comfortable position against Phoebe's upper arm and gazed at the two men with sleepy affection.

Joey smiled back and Rachel felt a little surge of pride that her friend had 'made it' onto a hot show.

"Hey, Joey."

"Hey, Rachel."

The woman's smile deepened as she recalled something Joey had told them earlier. "So you really slept with that casting woman, huh?"

Joey looked smug.

"I seem to recall you doing the same thing less than a year ago." Rachel rocked her head against Phoebe's shoulder in mock despair. "You have no shame, Joey Tribbiani."

At that, Joey got a little defensive. "Oh, c'mon! She practically jumped me. And she was a babe. You'd have done the same thing." His mouth twisted into a grin when he saw Rachel's raised eyebrows. "Okay, so maybe not". There was a gleam in his eye when he added, "Not that it would be a bad thing." Seeing the narrow-eyed look Rachel was now giving him he let go of his fledgling fantasy, with some reluctance. He nudged Chandler's head with his knee and sleepy eyes popped open to give him a reproving look. "Would you have slept with her?"

"Yes," Chandler said sleepily before asking, "With who?"

"Michelle Penfold. You know, you met her - "

"Oh yeah." Chandler looked thoughtful. "She the one who's blonde, beautiful and built like a goddess?"

"That's her all right."

"Gee, I don't know," Chandler mused, "that depends. I mean, she'd have to pay for the condoms and my travel expenses."

Joey pulled a face and pushed his friend's head back down on his lap. "You see," he said to Rachel. "The shame would have been if I hadn't slept with her. It was a big part, Rachel."

"Did it mean that much to you?" pursued Rachel. "You hear about the casting couch and stuff, but it really actually goes on?"

"Oh yeah. It's worse for the women, or better if you don't mind playing the game."

"What if the casting woman had been a man?"

"What, like a transvestite?"

"No, no, no. What if the casting person had been a man. Would you sleep with the guy. For a really big part?"

Joey gave her a wary look. "I don't know. What kind of guy?"

Rachel gave a wry smile. "Oh, you know. Typical guy: testosterone, five o'clock shadow, inability to express emotion..."

"Young or old?"

"Well, pretty much all men I've dated."

Chandler grinned and exchanged glances with his room-mate. "Uh, I think Joey's talking about the - "

"Oh! Oh, I have to specify an age? Why?"

"Well yeah. What if the guy looks like Ernest Borgnine? No way. But if we were talking about a Brad Pitt type...well...maybe. And it would have to be for a big part."

Chandler opened his eyes wide at this but for once decided not to state the obvious.

Rachel nodded. "Okay, for a big part. And let's say he looked like...Ross."

Joey snorted with laughter while Chandler choked and appeared to have trouble breathing.

Rachel gave them a tolerant smile. "Okay, not Ross. How about - "

"Harrison Ford."

Both Joey and Rachel looked down at Chandler who was wearing a vacant, reminiscent smile.

"The first time I saw Star Wars... Every young boy's dream. I'd put on my Starsky and Hutch plastic handcuffs and lie under my bed, feeling all warm and tingly, waiting to be rescued." He suddenly realized he was under observation. "Did I just say that out loud?"

"Most of us kids wanted to be Han Solo," Joey informed his friend, a faint frown on his face.

"Hey, both my parents were having the same crush. You try fighting that kind of influence. Dad bought me a Han Solo poster. It took me years to figure out why it had to be kept in his workroom." Clearly anxious to change the subject, Chandler suggested, "What about like in that movie? Would you have sex with Robert Redford?"

Joey shrugged. "Sure, I guess so," he said, but he didn't sound too thrilled about the idea.

"For the right kind of money I would," Chandler declared, wriggling his head and shoulders against Joey's thigh to get comfortable.

Rachel grinned. "What about you, Chandler?"

"I just told you - "

"No, I mean, Joey, would you sleep with a certain Mister Bing for the part?"

"Crosby?"

"Chandler."

"Chandler?"

"Yep."

Joey considered the idea for all of two seconds. "Sure."

"You're serious?"

"Why not?

Chandler raised his head to peer at Rachel, looking offended. "Yeah, why not? My butt is at least as sexy as Redford's."

"Your butt is a lot younger than his," Rachel pointed out.

"Chandler's cuter," Joey said, then peered down at his friend to confirm this. He nodded to himself. "Definitely."

"Is cuter a word?" Rachel wondered.

"Who cares? Thanks, buddy." Chandler gave his friend a pleased grin and reached up to pat him on the shoulder. "And just for the record, you're pretty darn cute yourself."

"Okay, okay." Rachel sat up, suddenly wide awake. "Not for a part. What about for money?"

"Like in the Redford movie?" Joey asked.

"I wouldn't say no to a cool million," Chandler admitted.

"You guys have no morals!"

"Right. Like you'd say no," Chandler said, exchanging a look of disbelief with his human pillow, Joey.

Rachel threw a cushion at them. "We're not talking about me, we're talking about the Italian Stallion over there."

Joey looked pleased with the compliment and it took him a moment to remember the current state of play in their conversation. "A million to sleep with Robert Redford?"

"No, with Chandler. Stay with us on this, Joey," said Rachel patiently.

"A million bucks?"

Chandler sat up and nudged Joey's arm. "What kind of a money-grabbing, tight-assed, mercenary friend are you? Beat her down."

"A hundred thousand?" Joey hazarded, looking at Chandler for approval.

"Thanks, buddy," Chandler grumbled, frowning at his friend.

"Okay, okay. Fifty thousand."

Chandler was practically pouting. "How long have we known each other? How many times have I lied for you?"

Joey thought about this. "A thousand bucks."

Rachel shook her head incredulously at this. "You'd sell yourself for a thousand bucks? You're worth a measly grand?"

Chandler nodded and gave Joey a look of reproof. "I'm not planning on a career move to pimp here but you have to learn the fine art of negotiation. You just dropped from a million to a thousand in less than a minute, Joe."

"But you just said - !" Joey spluttered.

"He's being paid to sleep with you, Chandler," Rachel pointed out.

Chandler thought about this. "Five bucks, Joey, five bucks!" he urged.

Joey frowned at Chandler. "I dunno. I don't wanna sell myself too cheap here - "

"Fifty bucks," Rachel offered.

"Deal." Joey put out a hand to shake on the amount.

Rachel stared at him open-mouthed. "You're kidding. You'd really... Wait a minute. When I said sleep, I meant - "

"Sex. I know. Why should that be a problem?" Joey asked with wonderful insouciance.

"Let me make sure I've got this right - you'd have actual sex with Chandler for fifty dollars?"

"Just show me the money," Joey said, grinning.

Chandler looked from Joey's amused but determined face to the gleam in Rachel's eye and began to slide along the sofa away from his friend. "Do I have a say in this?"

"Butt out," Rachel said speaking to Chandler but matching stares with Joey.

"It's my butt!" Chandler pointed out, sounding just a little nervous.

Rachel's smile was ultra-confident. "Your butt's safe. He's bluffing."

"You wanna bet?" Chandler said, eyes fixed on Joey.

"I'll bet that fifty bucks we were talking about," Rachel said smoothly, reaching for her purse. Her expression fell as she searched through it, eventually tipping out the contents on the coffee table and sifting through them.

Joey shot Chandler a triumphant grin which Chandler answered with a noisy sigh of relief.

Rachel glared at the two men, looking frustrated. The frown suddenly vanished and she turned to nudge Phoebe awake.

"Hey, Phoebe."

Phoebe's eyes shot open and she was instantly alert. "Oh. Hi."

"Phoebs, can I have fifty bucks?"

Chandler's face froze.

Joey's grin faded. Strangely, the gleam in his eyes seemed more pronounced.

"Sure." Phoebe reached for her purse and handed over the money.

Rachel gave her a puzzled smile. "Don't you want to know what it's for?"

Phoebe looked equally puzzled. "Why?" A thought occurred to her. "Oh, you want me to ask. Okay, that could be fun. Rachel, why do you want fifty bucks?"

"Because that's how much Joey wants to have sex with Chandler."

"Okay, so is it my turn to think of - " Phoebe broke off to glance from friend to friend. "Oh my god, you're serious! This is so great!" She jumped up to give the two men rib-cracking hugs, not seeing their startled expressions. As soon as she had sqeezed the last of the air out of their lungs she sat back down, beaming at her friends. "This is so sweet. What took you guys so long?" She turned to Rachel, a faint frown on her face. "Okay, so what do you need the money for?"

Rachel gave up. She placed the money on the coffee table and smiled devilishly at Joey. "Okay, Tribbiani, put out or shut up."

"Happy to oblige," Joey said with a smile and lunged at Chandler before he could scramble off the sofa.

There was a struggle, a somewhat brief struggle.

"Omigod." Rachel got to her feet and leaned across the table to have a closer look. Her survey wiped any traces of doubt from her mind. "Phoebe, they're doing it."

Phoebe gave the kissing figures on the sofa an approving look and nodded. "Yeah. Isn't it great? But I think maybe we should let them, you know, screw each other in privacy. I mean, I kinda feel like one of those aliens who keep humans as pets, like, to study them." She looked more closely at Rachel. "Uh, Rachel, you're doing this weird bug-eyed thing and it's freaking me out," she complained. Meeting no response, she flapped her hand vigorously in front of Rachel's face and snapped more sharply, "Rachel!"

"What?" Rachel asked dreamily, eyes fixed on Joey and Chandler.

"Was the fifty bucks for a front row seat?"

Rachel looked dazed. In a faraway voice she murmured, "I actually dreamt about this. The two of them. I was there but I wasn't there. And then I woke up. I don't want to wake up."

"We need to go," Phoebe said decisively.

"Sure. In a couple of minutes. When the dream finishes."

Phoebe eyed the writhing figures on the sofa. "They're young and they're horny and Joey's reached the launch pad. The countdown's begun and we don't have a couple of minutes."

"It would be rude just to walk out," Rachel murmured. Her eyes began to glaze over.

Phoebe grabbed her friend by the arm and hauled her towards Rachel's bedroom. Having shut the door, she looked around until she spotted a glass which she put against the door.

Rachel watched her with some bemusement. "What are you doing?"

"Uh... Listening."

"You just told me I couldn't do that!"

Phoebe looked momentarily flustered then collected herself and calmly informed her friend, "This is different. My mom did this and my grandmother. It's a family tradition."

"That is such bull!"

"I'll share my glass," Phoebe offered.

Rachel dived for the glass and the door.

The sounds outside were growing louder, and didn't really require a glass - though a video camera and Dolby Surround would have been nice.

There was a particularly loud cry, then silence.

Both women backed away from the door, very flushed.

*
In the living room, Chandler passed his friend a handkerchief and stretched cramped muscles.

Joey got clean-up detail over with then tossed the sticky cloth onto the coffee table. He yawned then settled himself along the length of the sofa and his half-naked friend.

"Michelle Penfold?"

Joey grinned, his hands wandering across Chandler's bare chest as he said, "My teacher in eighth grade. Small, brunette, had a moustache."

Chandler shook his head, an admiring look on his face. "You're one hell of an actor, my friend."

Joey looked smug and reached out to pick up the bills from the table, using them to fan Chandler's nipples.

Chandler took them, brushing Joey's nose with them, a smug smile on his face. "Easiest twenty-five bucks I ever made," he murmured, brushing a kiss across his friend's lips. His expression stilled and there was a distinct gleam in his eye. His smile grew wider. "Hey, Joe, you think Monica or Ross...?"

Joey grinned back. "I think they'll find out pretty soon." He nodded towards Rachel's bedroom.

"Pity." There was little regret on Chandler's face. "I guess that means my parents will find out. Dad will be so proud."

Joey looked thoughtful. "Mine will probably blame each other. Ma will go to church more often to pray for my soul."

"You sorry?"

While Chandler kept his tone carefully casual, Joey sensed how much his answer would matter.

"You kiddin'? For once I get to have regular sex that actually means something, with someone who actually means something. You know how long I've wanted something that means something?"

Chandler unravelled those words and smiled contentedly. "A long time?" he hazarded.

"Probably as long as you've had those Han Solo fantasies," Joey murmured, a wicked smile on his face.

Chandler poked the part of Joey that was the last thing he washed in the shower - and the first thing Chandler washed, when Joey let him. "Like I said, those were the fantasies of a kid." He pulled Joey closer, nuzzling lazily into his neck, then said softly, "However, my Indiana Jones fantasies are all grown up." He managed to keep his face relatively straight as he added, "I can't wait to share my bullwhip with you."

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